This is a loaded topic and will be covered in several blogs over time.
First topic: couples who do not have any children themselves and do not include children in the invitation. Not for the ceremony, not for the dinner, not for the reception. Adults only.
Some couples explain why they want child-free weddings and defend their choice, as in the photo above of some website information the couple posted: we want you to have the night off. As well, antics can get pretty raunchy at weddings as the drinks flow, and people may want to protect children from that. Family dynamics can be fraught and people may not want to subject children to the tensions, squabbles or chaos. Bottom line: if they want no kids of guests there, they want no kids. If it’s a deal breaker for you as a guest, well, I guess you’re staying home!
From an officiant’s perspective, having children at a wedding ceremony is frequently a distraction. They are very cute, especially in their little party outfits. However, Someone has to be keeping an eye on the kids – to keep them nearby and out of danger. Someone has to be keeping them reasonably quiet or entertained so they don’t interrupt the ceremony or distract others. Someone has to take them out if they get really loud or rambunctious or cry. And that means Someone has to miss the ceremony or moments of the ceremony. If Someone is an important person to the couple, the couple may not be happy that Someone misses part of the ceremony because they’re dealing with children.
In the “olden” days when people got married in churches, it wasn’t an issue to fit extra people into the pews for the ceremony. You just squeezed together. In fact, wedding ceremonies were kind of considered public – anyone in the congregation could go to the ceremony. Now, though, with venues and individual seats, it’s a bit more complicated. There are regulations about numbers of people, and one seat per person (except those under 2, just like airplanes). If children are not included (or named) in the invitation, it’s safest to assume that the children are not invited.
It can get complicated, though, when a couple may say no kids of guests are invited, and they go ahead and still include children of their family members and/or have flower children / ring bearers. You want to argue that with them?
It’s the couple’s wedding; if they have little humans in their life they wish to include, that is up to them (and the parents of the little ones). Those kids are likely just there for the ceremony and photos (or to keep family peace). No doubt they will be taken away later to go have some kid-fun somewhere else.
WTF? MOMENTS
I’m at a wedding at a beach in Victoria. (Of course, it’s sweltering hot even though we’re by the ocean.) It is a family-friendly wedding and there are quite a number of children under the age of 10. The guests are seated on those white foldy-chairs, and a little one, about 18 months or so, dressed up in a very cute outfit is squirming. The adult holding the child (not a parent but a child-minder) sets them down to reach for something in the diaper-bag, and whoosh! I see the little one bolt to the edge of the ocean shore. The couple is in the midst of saying their vows, so all eyes are on them. I have stepped away from the couple for the vow-saying, and am watching the guests from my position behind the bridesmaids. The water is irresistible, all sparkly and lappiing at the sand! I manage to catch someone’s attention by waving above the bridesmaids’ heads and pointing left. The observant guest sprints off and grabs the toddler just before contact. Whew! The guest just continues walking down the beach with the child (really kind and considerate) and the misses the rest of the ceremony. We carry on.
At a small elopement ceremony, the 8-year-old son of one of the couple is the only attendant standing with them for the duration of the ceremony. Have you ever asked an 8-year old boy to stand still and pay attention for 10-12 whole minutes? I see him squirm and paces in a little circle. I see him huff and sigh, and pout and roll his eyes. I notice that he’s fidgeting with the little boutonniere he has on his suspenders, and I see he puts his hands in his pockets and fiddles with himself. I pause to ask if perhaps he might want to sit down – and I stiffen a little as the parent declares “NO!”. I’m wondering who the torture in intended to affect the most.